Monday, October 22, 2012

Mars Malayali

Scientists at NASA were surprised to find an image of a human being on the screen. How could this be possible!?! They looked at each other with question marks all around their faces. Some of them were not just surprised, they were scared.

The image was that of a human who was smiling into a camera. He sported a huge mustache and all he had was a piece of cloth around his waist.

What’s so scary about the image of a human?! Nothing. But if the images are being transmitted by Curiosity rover, a robot exploring planet Mars, you will sit up and take notice.

Not knowing how to respond, one of the lead scientist spoke into the mike “Hello…”. The voice was carried over space to the speakers on the rover. On Earth, the team of scientist could see the human looking surprised at the rover’s introduction.

The unknown human on the screen now folded his hands and said “Namaskaram”.

Most scientists on the ground could not make head or tail of what was said. But one scientist of Indian origin jumped up from his seat and said “He is speaking something in an Indian language. Namaskar in Hindi means salutations.”

“How do I respond?”, asked the lead scientist.

“Say Namaskar in return”, replied the Indian origin guy.

“Namaskar”, said the lead scientist switching on his mike.

The team could now see the unknown human raising his eyebrows. A smile soon appeared on his face as he muttered, “Aiyyo, idh yendhoru adhishyam!”

The whole team on Earth had now clambered onto the Indian origin scientist table who was however holding his head on his hands in despair.

“What is he saying?”, questioned the lead scientist.

“Martian”, continued the Indian origin guy, “I cannot figure out the meaning. But, but, but….I think Aiyyo is a Tamil word. We should get a Tamil interpreter to figure this out.”

The lead scientist pressed a few keys and a Tamil scientist appeared on the adjoining screen.

“Sivaramakrishna, please interpret that sentence for us. I’m told this is your language Tamil.“, ordered the lead scientist.

Sivaramakrishna now re-winded the dialogues and countered, “This is not Tamil, looks like Malayalam to me. Get Srini online. He is the right guy.”

Richard, the leader of the team once again pushed a few keys and a Srinivasan came online.  Once again all the scenes were re-winded and Srini responded, “Boss, what he meant was ‘Oh my God, this is a surprise!’. But, why is he surprised?”.

“Ask him in his language. But before you do that, put it thru the language interpreter  so that we can follow what you guys are saying.”, Richard’s ordered Srini.

The team could see Srini getting ready to converse with the unknown human.

(Rest of the conversation took place in Malayalam, but has been interpreted here.)

Srini : "Namaskaram (Hello)"

Smile on the unknown humans face turned into a frown and he said, “This device is designed to keep on repeating ‘Hello’. Must be like one of the mantra repeater device that you get in market now-a-day’s. But how did it land up on Mangal (Mars)!?”

Srinivasan and his entire team were flummoxed.  This guy was referring to the planet by name! He was also referring to an electronic device which keeps on repeating mantras. Unbelievable.

Srini gathered all his wits and continued, “You are on Mar’s?”

The unknown human now smiled and said, “Oh, so you can speak. Of course, I’m on Mars, so are you. I was surprised to see a moving object on this barren piece of land. That’s why came over to investigate.”

A huge round of applause was heard across the control room. This was historic.

“Where have you seen this device which repeats words?”

Richards raised his hands to show his thumbs up on the question.

“Many places, including the Connemara Market.”, replied the unknown face.

“Is Connemara Market on Mars?”, asked Srini.

“Of course not. Connemara is on Prithvi (Earth).”, said the unknown face.

Srini could feel his stomach churn. But he continued, “You have been to Earth?”

“Yes, many times. In fact, I was on Earth a few weeks ago. ”

Richards could not help but shake his head in disbelief. He noticed that half his team were also shaking their head. Here he was putting all scientific knowledge collected over so many years  to build a robot which could travel in space only to find that an unknown human talks about doing the same very casually. Disgusting.

“When did you last visit Earth?”, Srini quizzed.

“Few weeks ago. That’s when I visited Connemara in Thiruvananthapuram.”

Richards could not believe his ears. This guy was even naming places on Earth! What on Earth was going on?! He turned to his team mate sitting next to him and pinched him. His team mate yelled in surprise.

“What was that for Boss?”

“Sorry man, I wanted to check if I was dreaming.”

“Aren’t you supposed to pinch yourself in such cases, rather than going around pinching your neighbours?”, complained his team mate.

Srini, in the meantime had opened Google maps to check out if Connemara was indeed a market in Thiruvananthapuram.

Having located Connemara, Srini , turned to the unknown face once again.

“How many days were you on Earth?”

“Around 10 days.”

“Where else did you visit during you visit?”

“I was travelling the length and breadth of Kerala having a feast of a time.”

Srini could now feel his head reeling. This is not how he wanted an encounter with an alien to unfold. He found his boss, Richard, standing next to him fuming.

“Ask him his name, dammit. This is serious stuff.”

“Do you have a name?”, Srini asked with all politeness he could muster. He now felt great respect for this alien who spoke his language.

“Maveli (Mahabali)”.

There was a loud thud and Richards found Srini lying on the floor unconscious.  

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Kerala or Keralam - That is the question.

The renaming 'keeda' (hindi for worm) has finally caught up with the politicians of Kerala. There is demand that the state should be renamed as Keralam as that is how most Malayalees pronounce the word.

By this logic it could also be renamed as Keral as rest of India pronounces Kerala as Keral.

It could also be renamed as Kera as Keralam means land of Kera (coconut trees).

Being an SMS generation, Ker would be more popular.

Best would be just K. Imagine a state which has a single character K as its name. No other country or state in the world has a single character name. Soon there will be demand to rename India  as I and USA will try to register U before United Kingdom or Uganda does.

Kids learning history will learn that between 1964 and 1975 U fought with V (Vietnam) and I was wondering what to do!

It is so sad that after building a global brand of Kerala, petty politics wants to undo all the effort. Anyway, as Shakespeare said in Romeo and Juliet, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, By any other name would smell as sweet".

By the way, how is Kerek. Like Malayalam, Kerek would be a palindrome ( a word that can be read the same way in either direction).

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Why Indian Students are attacked abroad......

Received this mail as a forward. Don't know the source, but was forwarded by my friend Anand Shah. Replicating it without permission as the piece is funny and readers will enjoy.


Why Indian Students are attacked abroad...... .....

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up.'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997' 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'. 

Regards,

Ayyappan Swamy

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Water show at Akshardham Temple, Gandhinagar, Gujarat

On our visit to Ahmedabad/Gandhinagar (Gujarat), we were witness to a wonderful water show at the Akshardham temple.


It's a one of a kind laser show where a nine-year-old Nachiketa questions the lord of death Yama. The conceptualization and execution is so brilliant that chances are you will not forget the encounter for years to come.


This technical masterpiece was directed by Yves Pepin, who had also directed the inaugural and concluding ceremonies at the Olympic Games in China.


A unique blend of modern pyrotechnics with ancient wisdom culminates in a never before experience.


I was zapped with a sequence wherein Nachiketa travels to the netherworld. A child actor is shown walking up a fleet of stairs. Along the way the actor is replaced a video. The child is shown floating in air to enter the kingdom of Yama, God of death. The sequence is so seamless that you cannot make out when the actor was replaced by an image. Simply superb.


On meeting Yama, he questions him as to why humans are afraid of him. Yama demonstrates that he can use elements like water, fire, wind etc to create fear in the mind of human being. This demonstration is creative stroke that helps in showcasing modern pyrotechnics.


As the questioning continues, Yama find the going tough and decides to tempt Nachiketa with gifts that could floor anyone. Once again the director has enough scope to showcase techniques that can be blended with the story.


By the time the show concludes, you leave the venue in a daze. Feels like the 45 minute show ended in a few seconds.


Hope I am able to watch the show once more in the near future.


Youtube link to a promotional video of this event.
Sat-Chit-Anand water show.


The link above is only a promotional video released by the organizers. As cameras were not allowed inside the complex, we have to make do with this promotional video.


If you decide to travel to Gandhinagar only to witness the show it is worth the trouble. Don't visit on Saturday, Sunday or holidays, chances are you will have to return without watching the show due to a full house!!


There are no shows on Mondays. Tickets for the 7.30 show is available only after 4pm.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Monday, February 9, 2009

Railways - Profit

Sharmaji wanted to book a ticket to travel to Gorakhpur from Mumbai. He decided to use the online booking facility provided by Indian Railways for his booking. 

Train booking starts at 8am, 90 days before the date of travel. At 0800 hrs he found that there are 600 odd tickets available on train no 1015 (Kushinagar Express).  Immediately, he keyed in his credit card number to book the ticket. 

After the credit card was validated, when the ticket was issued, it was found that the ticket had a waiting list of over 500!

In the brief period of around a minute, not only were the 600 tickets issued but an extra 500 tickets were sold!

A dejected Sharmaji decided to cancel the ticket. He was charged Rs. 20 for each ticket he cancelled. As he had booked six tickets, he had to shell out Rs.120 for cancelling wait listed tickets.

If we assume that there will be atleast 250 cancellations per train (an estimate on the lower side). Railways make around Rs. 5000 (at Rs. 20/- per cancelled ticket) every day per train for cancellation.

Now the Indian Railways run around 9000 trains per day. This gives us Rs. 45000000 ( Rs. 4.5 Crores).

There are 30 days in a month. The cancellation charges collected will be Rs. 135 crores.

12 months a year should give us Rs. 1620 crores for doing nothing but issuing and cancelling tickets!

Remember these estimates are on the lower side. Actual figures could be lot more than calculated.  Now you know how railways make a profit.

We can understand a cancellation charge being levied on confirmed tickets. But for waitlisted tickets, such a huge charge is criminal. With no competition, railways is indulging in a monopoly practise that the general public may not be aware of.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Need a smell dimension

It is high time that we add another dimension to our film viewing. Films already engage our sense of sight and sound. Why not smell? Won't it feel wonderful to view films with this added dimension?

Imagine watching Slumdog Millionaire or even Dev.D with the smell dimension included. 

Consider Dev.D for that matter. Smell of hay when a mattress is laid down in the fields. Smell of Punjabi dishes at the wedding feast. Lovely perfumes at the reception.  Smell of Ariel when Paro washes Dev's clothes! An obnoxious smell when Dev throws up etc.

Wonder why this has not become a reality.

It will not be practical to have the entire auditorium throw up different fragrances depending on the scene being flashed. There could be a lot of people who are allergic to smell and would prefer to be excused from such experiences.  We need a different solution.

I have seen stamps which retain smell of sandalwood, roses etc even after a year. I have also seen desktop calendar’s which smell of roses etc depending on the picture in the calendar. So it is definitely possible to build long term fragrances into objects.

Personally, I would prefer a device which could be carried in and out of an auditorium. I should be able to either connect it a port on my seat or could be controlled like any other wi-fi device. I should be able to increase/decrease the intensity of the smell being thrown out and it should not disturb any of my neighbors who may not want to enjoy this experience. 

Obviously, I would want to switch it off whenever not required.  Who would want to experience the smell of Dev’s room and ultimately volunteer to clean it up for him!

Hope it becomes realty before I become too old to experience it. We can only get it when we start asking for it.